I Think I’m Paranoid: Microwaves

Sometimes when I’m standing in the kitchen, microwaving popcorn in the office and listening as the kernels explode into buttery goodness, I get a little nervous. What if one kernel pops so ferociously that it shoots out of the bag, through the cheap microwave window and into my head. What if multiple kernels do this? Not only would that impact hurt really, really badly, but just think about the heat of that oil. Yowza, I don’t want to deal with that, or try to explain it.

I’m always a little concerned about things blasting out of the microwave, but the majority of the time I spend thinking about it is in my office, only because there is nothing else to do while I’m waiting for my food to cook. I usually start off standing directly in front of the microwave, putting my head at the highest risk. Then a kernel pops and the entire bag shakes, so I step a few feet away from the microwave.

I’m also a little concerned about the electrical waves that might be radiating from the microwave. Our microwaves aren’t the quietest, smoothest sounding microwaves. They shake sometimes. They sound like they themselves are going to explode sometimes. When you’re asking someone how long they put their popcorn in for, you also have to clarify which microwave they used, because both, although they look identical, are actually different.

How does everyone feel about heating foods in or on plastic? I know that Styrofoam is supposed to be super bad for you…but I have, on occasion, heated my meal on this. I’ve also heard that heating your food in the “microwave safe” food storage containers isn’t wholly awesome for you either. Yet again, I would probably heat my food in it without too much concern. I’m too lazy to bring a plate from home, and you get the look of death from the cafeteria kitchen staff if you take a plate from them when not purchasing food (which is maybe understandable). Most of the foods I cook in the microwave — besides popcorn — are the steamers meals, which you just heat in the bag they’re already in. Here’s hoping a study doesn’t come out five years from now saying how unsafe that is. I would be in serious trouble.

I’d love to say that I’ll make an effort to bring plates or other utensils to provide for safer cooking. Or, better yet, maybe I could stop eating foods that need to be microwaved. But that’s just not realistic.


2 thoughts on “I Think I’m Paranoid: Microwaves

  1. I wish I could claim some sort of microwave-induced paranoia as my rationale for never bringing lunch, unfortunately it’s always because I’m lazy.

    This is why I waste like six-bajillionity dollars a year eating out for lunch.

    I wish I had the drive you do to simply gut it out and get cancer from either the microwave or the container I’m microwaving in or the food I’m microwaving or whatever like normal people.

    Instead I just go out and blow cash on food–that is undoubtedly still giving my cancer–that requires none of the effort. I feel lazy and just as sentenced for a slow, painful death.

    This is unfortunate.

    Additionally, I’m intoxicated and hope this makes ANY sense when I re-read it tomorrow.

  2. just try to bring your lunch one day a week for a month or so, then try to bring your lunch two days a week…and so on.

    you are a great drunk writer.

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