I’m Not Hip

I am the least hip person you know. No, really, I am.

I prefer chain restaurants. I know more than my fair share of restaurant snobs, so this obviously wouldn’t sit well with them. But even regular people I know – like coworkers – will mention “hip” restaurants they’ve been to or are going to and 90 percent of the time I have never heard of the place they’re going, but I get the sense that I should have heard of it. They’ll then name the particular part of the Minneapolis/St. Paul metro area where the restaurant sits, and even that I don’t know. “Ya know, next to name-of-another-hip-place-you-should-know,” they’ll say. I would like to tell them that if it’s not in Mall of America or right off 494 (between 34th Ave. and Prairie Center Drive, specifically), I probably haven’t heard of it or been there.

I don’t know why I like chain restaurants so much. I guess I like knowing that when I go out to eat, there is definitely something I’ve had and liked in the past, and that these same items will be there in Minnesota, and Iowa, and Missouri, and Florida, and any other state I might visit.

Speaking of Mall of America, I love the Mall of America. I feel like a lot of people think MOA is like this cliched, disgusting place. The people are disturbing, the food choices are repulsive and it promotes the materialism that contributed to the issues our country faces today. I love the people! You find the best and worst dressed people at MOA, all in one place. Sometimes walking right next to each other. I love the food! When I go with friends or family, they can get Panda Express while I get Taco Bell, or they can get Arby’s while I get Taco Bell. (I really like Taco Bell, which is probably a section in itself. See next item.) If we feel like having a more “sit-down” meal in the middle of our materialistic shopping spree, there are a couple options (chains, where I’ve successfully found food I liked in the past). Yes, you will see people who are carrying armfuls of shopping bags at stores that probably way over price their merchandise. Do I look at those people and judge them, thinking to myself, “You probably can’t afford all the stuff you just bought”? Yes, I do. But I judge everyone. Then I tell myself, “Hey, Lindsey, don’t judge a book by its cover or poor taste in clothes/hairstyle/makeup/etc.” and decide that maybe those people just look like they can’t afford all the stuff they bought when, in fact, they are mega-rich people who have just stuck with the basic lifestyle…while their children have decided to spend the money on full-price uniforms from Abercrombie or wherever young, hip people shop. More than that, I like to tell myself that all the people shopping and buying things they don’t need mean our economic situation is getting better…even if everything in those bags was purchased 80 percent off from a store about to go bankrupt.

I love Taco Bell. I should mention that the only thing I order from Taco Bell is the plain crunchy taco. I usually buy two of those and have an enjoyable meal for about $2. I occasionally order the chips/nacho cheese too, but they switched the “presentation” of that item and I’m not a huge fan.

My favorite ways to spend my time on weekends includes watching YouTube videos of hairstyle/makeup tutorials, reading fashion blogs and reading product reviews of clothing items I want to buy. Seriously, I have read so many reviews about different brands’ colored skinny jeans – it’s ridiculous. I have no desire to go to bars/clubs because that would require staying up late and spending money on things I don’t like. I don’t like going to movies, mostly because I usually can’t make it through a movie without a bathroom break and I get really uncomfortable in movie seats. I enjoy meeting up with friends (either to go for a walk or share an appetizer at a chain restaurant) during the day or early evening, then retreating home to my couch and computer for whatever fashion-related wonders the internet might hold for me. I don’t want to go camping or anything else that requires long amounts of time spent outside, unless it’s sitting on a soft beach towel with a stack of magazines or taking my dog (who is hipper than I am) for a walk/run. I’m not cool enough to own a bike or do anything on a lake.

And I think I’m 100 percent awesome. But in the least-hip-way possible.

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2 thoughts on “I’m Not Hip

  1. I love everything about this.

    I’ve determined that I’m largely an 80-year-old man.

    Going out always feels like a chore. I eat at the same six restaurants within a few blocks of my house all the time. I’d almost always rather stay in and watch a movie on our couch with Grace or blog or read about baseball or read a book and cuss out all the young hippies with their rock and roll music.

    I appreciate your unhipness. Wear it proudly, sistah!

    1. Going out is a chore! You have to wear a full outfit and actually form sentences in order to interact with people. Ick! I just want to sit on my couch.

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